How to Lose at Magic: the Gathering

Eight simple rules for getting the least out of the game.

8. Never Mulligan. Trading in a bad hand is a waste of everyone’s valuable time.

7. Never Use the Stack. Instants are just sorceries in denial.

6. Chump Block Everything. There is no circumstance in which it’s better to take a hit than to preserve a creature.

5. Run a Lifegain Deck with Nothing that Abuses a High Life Total. Since losing is the opposite of winning, something that takes you further away from losing obviously makes you closer to winning, right?

4. Card Advantage Is For Wimps. Using eight cards to kill a single creature, and none of them are reusable? A perfect strategy.

3. Synergy, Schmynergy. Cards don’t have to work together, and those who insist they do are losers.

2. Mana Balance Is A Waste Of Time. Making your deck vital on splashed colour, or having an equal mix of lands in two colours when three quarters of cards use one of them primarily, is a thing that can’t possibly backfire.

1. Squirrels Are Of No Significance. They’re just tiny critters with no special rules, right? Right?

– OSM out


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