Guide to Life (1): Australian Politics Part 2


The Liberal Party: Noted for its very inaccurate name (3), the Liberal Party is one of the most powerful forces in Australian politics. Indeed, some might argue that it is the most powerful force – most of the other parties either directly serve its decrees (Nationals) or periodically photocopy its manifesto and hope for the best (Labour). The Liberals are noted for a very harshly conservative outlook on every single thing that has ever happened. The current Liberal leader is Tony Abbott, a man noted for his strong religious views and total lack of trustworthiness (4).
The National Party: The former Country Party (5), the National Party is to the Liberal Party what Spiro Agnew was to Richard Nixon. You can draw whatever conclusion you like from that sentence.
Labour: The ALP is currently the dominant political party (6). Possessed of a great enthusiasm, a keen vision of the future (7), and not even the slightest trace of policy, skill, forethought, cunning, charisma, determination, originality or dignity. Generally, ALP policies resemble Liberal policies, in much the same way that a clone trooper resembles Jango Fett (8). Originally the party of the little man aimed at kicking in the teeth of greedy, ruthless and rich businessmen, it was realised sometime during the Hawke administration that greedy, ruthless and rich businessmen can pay for your advertising if you’re nice to them (9). Currently engaged in a drunken stumble from PR disaster to PR disaster, accompanied by the distinct sound of knives being sharpened.

The Greens: This party’s policies are targeted mainly at disenchanted ex-Communists who desperately want to feel again, aggravated environmentalists who are fed up with watching Peter Garrett do nothing, and frustrated young people who view the three parties above as Tweedledee, Tweedledum, and Tweedledumberer (10). Despite the name, they’ve evolved beyond mere tree-hugging hippie stuff and have adopted a broader concept of their role, picking up social justice from Labour’s porch five minutes before the garbage truck got there (11).

The Australian Sex Party: Honestly, they’re just involved because of the name. They’re targeted mainly at people with warped senses of humour and, well, that’s about it really. It talks a lot about sexual liberation and sex ed and prudish politicians and whatnot, but really they exist to draw university students to the promise of their favourite preoccupation.

– OSM out

  1. And footnotes.
  2. It’s amazing to note how much political journalism is like your seventh birthday party. In one, you pin the tail on the donkey; in the other, you pin the tale on the ass. (12)
  3. People who assume the Liberal Party is liberal in any way at all tend to run into maaaajor concept dissonance.
  4. Mind you, this is politics – everyone is a dime-a-dozen backstabbing scumbag until proven human on more than a technicality.
  5. Don’t even try. Every joke, every pun, done to death. Seriously. And that’s overlooking the decidedly off-colour nature of most of those puns.
  6. “Currently”, here, is defined as “until the next election, given that their polls have been in the toilet pretty much consistently since the last election.”
  7. Libel laws prohibit saying exactly what kind of vision they have.
  8. If you haven’t seen Attack of the Clones…um…don’t worry, it’s really not that much of a plot point.
  9. As ever, to get into politics you have to be totally impervious to shame.
  10. Assign these names to parties pretty much however you wish.
  11. Do not get this metaphor wet, and never feed it after midnight.
  12. I’m so sorry.

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